Conspiracies

Why Jif really changed their name to Cif!

Jif cream, a popular cleaning product suddenly and mysteriously changed its name to Cif cream. The "official explanation" is that mainland Europe couldn't pronounce Jif! Bollocks, everyone knows that no-one cares about mainland europe and its better to laugh at them poorly pronounce words than to change a brand name for them. The real reason is that in the early 1990's fearing a backlash over the break-up of the USSR, the British, assisted by the Americans, started a hypnotism program called Project Paul McKenna. They hypnotised normal people to be assasins everytime they heard a certain word. This word was Jif. This was because of the brand Jif, which appeared on television, a medium with which the government believed they could use to reach these assasins. Eventually they forgot about it until one of their moles in Russia was accidentally shot by a 40 year old plumber from Sunderland whose weapon of choice was a poison dart from his arse. It was too late to reverse the hypnotism so they persuaded the heads of the marketing department in charge of Jif to change it by politley reminded them of the value of their genitals.

Why do the French surrender so easily?

The French are famous for surrendering like in WW1 AND WW2 against the Germans and in Euro 2004 against Greece. Most people make fun of them. Time and time again in the streets of France, tourists throw all sorts of things at them like stones, paper, water ballons, just to watch them raise their hands and surrender and say "Take whatever you want, my crappy gay beret, my country, just go away!". There is however a reason for this. Far, far away in a galaxy shaped like a pretzel, there lived a race of peace loving humanoid aliens called the Gawls. Their leader was a man (it was almost impossible to tell the differences between them as they both had short hair, moustaches and deep voices) called Asteriks. Their planet, called France, was dying so they moved out and (unfortunatley) took their customs with them. After a few years of wondering the cosmos, they settled in a discrete part of Earth which was out of the way of the locals and smelly enough for them to inhabit. This race really loved peace and didn't really like getting in the way of the locals so they decided to never interfere in their affairs. They called their land France because if they called it New France people would have asked questions and they called themselves French to avoid more questions although someone once let out they were Gawls in a sleazy pub. However this was in like 230AD and everyone was drunk so forgot about it. So thats why they let everyone walk over them like a doormat. A doormat that no one likes and steps in dog poo just to get it dirty.

Who really shot John Kennedy?

John Kennedy, the American President was famously shot down in an open top motorcade through Dallas. The man who the assasin was Lee Harvey Oswald. Yeah right. If he was the killer then my dog can mioaow (which it doesn't because i dont have one). The real killer was a top assasin trained by monks in the highest of mountains in the deadly art of Croching Tigger Hidden Drag Queen Kung Foo Fighting. He was hired by the Cylons, a deadly race of mutant mogs (man dogs) and the M.Y.S.T.E.R.O.Ns arch enemy. The Cylons had nearly closed a deal with the then vice president Lyndon Johnson to have a Cylon appointed President of the USA. this was so they could ease their world domination plans. For this to happen President Kennedy would have to be "removed". The Cylons tried to do this many times but were foiled by M.Y.S.T.E.R.O.N agents who eventually realised that the death of a leader of a captalist country would be a good thing. The master assasin who murdered Kennedy mangaed to convince some idiot, called Lee Harvey Oswald to take the blame in return for Canada when the Cylons took over the world. What a crap deal. But at least you know the truth.

Do aliens exist?

Yes, they do for example, mogs,Cylons,Gawls and various others.