Pikeys (Inferious pieceofshittus to give their proper names) are dangerous. God I hate them, i hate typing about them, i even
hate thinking about them, however, for your safety i must. You better appreciate I am sacrificing my sanity for your safety.
Anyway read this whole section on them and know your enemy...
For those of you that haven't read the "Our Enemies" section, Pikies or pikeys, townies or rudeboys are evil agents
of our arch enemies the Cylons.
Pikeys can be traced as far back to the origins of rap music which is thursday 17 January 1980 3:12pm. After the Cylons
were frustrated as their plans for for world dominace were foiled by the M.Y.S.T.R.O.N.S, they decided that they needed to
influence the human population directly. After 6 years in a secret nuclear bunker in the coldest reigons of the Arctic circle,
three mad scientists created the pikey. Hailed by the Cylons as the Ultimate Annoying Weapon ever. The pikey was due to be
reproduced gentically and spread over the world in what was called Project Rudeboy (i stole the plans which is how i know).
Unfortunately, we were unable to stop this from happening (we lost many good agents that day, Dingo, Heinze, Bobby, Little
Joe with the limp).Since then, the pikey seems to have been the best weapon the Cylons came up with.
Pikeys are quiet easy to spot. Here are a few things to look out for:
Excessivley gelled hair.
Tracksuits worn around their knees
Baseball caps worn at right angles to face.
Cheapo fake trainers
Wearing hoods over their baseball caps
Gold jewellery (unless there are REAL jewels in it)
Bleached hair at the top and not all over
Little flick of hair that looks like a ski jump
Female ones may be pregnant at age 11.
Typical places where they may work:
JD SPORTS etc.
Where even mould refuses to grow
Hang out places for pikeys:
Post Office - when collecting dole
Where even mould refuses to grow
However, if you are on the road (legally or not i dont care), here are a few pikey things to look out for:
Fire painted on the side or a dragon
Lowered Cars (watch them go over speed bumps)
Convertible BMW - you'll see the passenger so you'll know.
Back end of buses - notice how the crap buses are sent into pikey central.
Below is a picture.
Pikey translation (not in alphabetical order) :
proper safe man innit
= tango at four o clock
Blood = friend or aquaintance
Bred = see blood
Rudeboy = fellow
Mosher = humans they want to interrorgate
Cheese on toast = rations
Pshhhhhhhhh = Bus door impression
I'll bang you = I'm taking you hostage/eliminating you
Beatbox = spitting into an air mike randomly immitating a call of the Wooga
Jacked = stolen top secret M.Y.S.T.E.R.O.N plans
MC = some wanker with a stammer and a stupid name
Homey = friend (usually used in the states)
Innit = agreement with another pikey
Vexed or vex = pikeys say this
when you piss them off by speaking normal to them.
Blamblacrat = vague attempt at speaking english
Bitch/Ho = girlfriend/mum
Lush = good loking or nice according to pikey standards
Dis = insult
Heavy = enemy armed and dangerous
Crew = pikeys hunt in packs, each pack is called a crew.
What to do if you see a pikey:
If you see a pikey in the streets, take
Lure them into a dark alley and kill them
If you see a group of pikeys:
Paint a grenade
Pull the pin.
Throw it into the group of pikeys.
Retreat to a safe distance.
Watch the fireworks.
a pikey tries to attack you, either:
Show them a bar of soap/a book (pikey's version of showing a vampire a cross)
Expose them to water
Stab them in the heart with a blunt object
Point over thier shoulder and shout "look - a
kettle" (kettle's seem to fascinate pikeys a lot)
If you live with a pikey:
If you can't kill
them, a few blasts of Iron Maiden or equivalent during their sleep should do it. They will resist the first time but soon
they will succumb. In my experience a simple dose of Red Hot Chilli Peppers seem to work best.
The motherland will rise again.